They say it would get easier. They say you are lucky to be a stay at home mom. Well, it hasn’t gotten easier and although I am lucky to be able to stay at home to watch my own kids, I also feel like I am slowly losing myself – my personality, my identity and my sanity. At least, when I went back to work after my firstborn, I had “ME” time, was a lot more productive, and could actually drink a cup of coffee in peace. I made myself coffee at 6:30 am this morning and after reheating it three times, I am now drinking it at 2:00 pm while writing my thoughts down on this blog. Sometimes, I don’t get the chance to drink it until 9:00 pm, when both kids are finally in bed at the end of the day. But that also is rare, as my oldest daughter has a tendency to stay up until 11:00 pm. My youngest is way passed the newborn stage but she is still getting up every 3 hours after midnight to feed and wakes up bright and early at 6:00 am on the dot. Every. Single. Day. All the degrees, diplomas and experiences you’ve built for your resume is totally irrelevant now. At least not right now. Because once you become a mother, the only thing important in your life is the well being of your children and your family.
I haven’t blogged in a while as it takes a lot of time, thought and effort. Today, I am blogging, but i am also venting. I need an outlet to release my stress and frustration and putting aside the logistics of how topics, sentences and grammar should be arranged, the following will just be a series of random thoughts that I want to bring to life in writing.
It is rare that I get to enjoy a cup of coffee in silence ever because if one kid is napping, the other is usually up screaming for my attention or destroying the living room with toys that i just finished putting away. Having one kid is hard, but two, especially so close in age… I went into depression. It comes and goes but taking care of them with NO help has not been easy. My heart truly goes out to the mom who lost her life battling PPD. 🙁 This is temporary but how much i understand you… On a positive note, two really is better than one. As they get older, watching them interact with each other solidifies my decision of wanting more than one child. They are so adorable together!! Having a sister is so great! And… it ends at two. 😛 (sorry hubby, unless YOU want to give birth and breastfeed another kid).
Having children definitely changes your life. I am so thankful that God has blessed me with two bundles of joy but it has been a struggle holding onto my sanity each day. What is often displayed in social media never depicts the actual life of the individual. Deceiving, yet so addictive.
I do have dreams. I have goals, but trying to achieve them with a baby and a toddler is so hard. I don’t know how these mompreneurs do it! Its challenging as it is trying to keep the house clean (because i cant relax if the house looks like its been hit by a hurricane, hence i am always tense), cook meals to try and save some money (that never works out and we often end up eating take out), trying to stimulate my two kids by taking them to different activities throughout the day (swimming, gymnastics, art class, etc…), trying to revive my social life by making an effort to be thoughtful (which i always fail because i am so forgetful and trying to reach out to any friends that i have left is too much effort as i am exhausted and just want to sleep), making an effort to go to mom groups but the thought of trekking out with these two in the snow is so dreadful (because husband is usually working), hoping to get back to the gym (I have yet to step foot into one) and the list goes on…
*Tiptoeing to the kids room to check on them*
Both sleeping like angels! Oh, how I love them so. I honestly cant imagine my life without them. They are truly a gift from God as i know in this day and age, there are many who try to have children and are not able to.
So, I just realized I sound bipolar. I am not bipolar but kids do that to you.. One day, you just want to throw this mom thing out the window and call it quits and the next, you cant live without your kids because they are the cutest, sweetest, little humans alive. There are also days when I am convinced that taking care of yourself comes first so i push my husband to go training, I push myself to work out, we pump ourselves, saying we are gonna build an empire and then comes two little people crawling and running to you that needs their diaper changed, need to be fed, need to be entertained, need to create lasting memories, and out goes that empire… for the time being.
*And one is up now… until my next rant*