Once upon a time before babies and diapers, bartending was a side job I took to make some extra cash. With 9-5 on the weekdays and bartending on the weekends, I was one busy bee!
Can I just say bartenders OWN multitasking! Try making 5 flaming lambos, 10 shots of red dragon, doing math in your head, punching in orders, getting water for the drunk, yelling for bar back to refill cups, wiping down spilt drinks, making small talk ALL at the same time with a smile plastered on your face. Yep, multitasking is our middle name.
Working in the service industry, staff relies heavily on tips to put food in their mouth. I realized that i have zero tolerance for cheap people. Yep. Nada.
Presenting 10 scenarios gathered from my experience working as a bartender in a busy club downtown. (Please note that the following reactions are based on cheap and often non-existent tippers. This does NOT apply to GENEROUS tippers. God bless your soul. You my friend can do whatever you want! Ok, maybe don’t climb up the bar….).
1. When you hear its Dubstep night.
Water thirsty zombies that convulse into seizures upon hearing
noise er i mean music would be one way to describe the crowd. In addition, 5 hours of UNZ UNZ UNZ UNZ… Just shoot me now. Please.
2. When they spill their drink and expect you to replace it for free. Im sorry but did my arm magically reach over and knock your drink to the floor? Oh. It was your clumsy arm. That will be $7.25 please.
3. When a group orders a round of drinks and want to pay separately. “I’ll get 6 shots of tequila and can you split that 6 ways”.
4. When they pay you in change. “Do you take pennies?”
and if you tip me in change, i will karate chop your face.
5. When they bargain with you. “$7.25? I have $7.00… Is that ok?”
NO 25 cents? NO beer.
6. When its last call and they order a big round. “Last Call? I’ll have 30 red dragons!”
7. When they order a flaming lamborghini. (A flaming lambo is a cocktail drink that consists of 151, blue curaro, banana liquer and baileys and then you light it on fire). Try making 50 of those in a night. Im lucky I haven’t burnt my finger.
8. When they give you a $100 bill for drinks that are worth $95 and they tell you to keep the change as if they just did you a big favor. Oh no you didn’t!
9.When they ask what your cheapest beer is.
Its called YOU CANT AFFORD IT. Water. Just drink water.
10. And finally, when you cant for the life of you understand what they are saying.
My conversation with an ESL student one night.
“Hi, can I have sun of a beach?”
“Im sorry, what?”
“Son of a bi$ch!”
“Um…you mean sex on the beach?”
“Yes, i said that one!.”
“Of course you did. Coming right up.”